Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Story of my life…..
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I was up all night reading about insomnia
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Feel. He’s so soft.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
