Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
me irl
Fries, not lies.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
