Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.