Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
You Might Also Like
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT