Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials