Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

I feel attacked.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

oh you wanna fight?!

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?