Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you