Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
How wrong was this guy?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)