Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

Every time my phone rings

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?