Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

In space, no one can hear…

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.