Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge