Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
channeling her this year
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
This is the one
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.