Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Creative Problem Solving

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

oh you like architecture? name three walls