Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

My dream job is getting paid to dream

I’ve had relationships like this

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear