Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
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opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
the short answer to this question
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.