Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: