Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
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Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother