Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread