Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

(by @ZachWeiner )

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

The French cow says MEUX…