Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Haha good job!!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]