Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back