Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.