Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine