Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
every olympics i turn into this guy
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah