Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Whoa 😂
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists