Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
You Might Also Like
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists