Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan