Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*