Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.