Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

🙂🙃🥹

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?