Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

My work here is done

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots