Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.