Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
my sentiments exactly
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
PLOT TWIST:
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
