Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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This one never gets the credit it deserves
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out