Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You Might Also Like
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
shut up and take my money
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
