Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.