Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

In case you needed to hear it:

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

I’ve disappointed better people.

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.