Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
A game married people play.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
aura
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?