Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.