Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
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Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.