Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.