Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB