Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Me too 😆

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*