Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that