Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
