Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.