Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.