Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
as is their right
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.