remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Omg 🤣
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Wise advice
