remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that