remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
🙀🙀🙀😹
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
