Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.