Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this email finds you in a well

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident