Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Yeah. This was me today.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.