@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

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@TinaMav

We are the people our parents warned us about.

@ooforth

Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.

@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

@cobwebkitten

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@UnrealTJH

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

@DearAuntAbby

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

@Inferno_V

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

@KaliciaBo

“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.