Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Note to self: I am a note
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)