“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My five year plan is a meteorite
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea