Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*seductively eats two tums*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”