Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
accurate
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.