Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.