Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I have never related to a cat more
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage