Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
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*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17