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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I hope they boil the right one.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.