Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.