Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Wednesday
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
