Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.