Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains