Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

😭😭😭😭

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.