Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
A family that plays together cheats.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.