Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.