Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
😭😭😭
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
prepare for carbonated trouble
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Meeeee too!
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.