Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

thoughts?

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so