Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass