Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Whoa 😂

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you