Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Left at a local drug store…
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables