Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Bros before Ohioes
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.