Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?