Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
🤣🤣💀
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Why? Just why? 😂
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Hank is one in a melon.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.