Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.